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Parents not Finding a Spouse

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Question:

Assalaamu ‘alaikum

Respected ‘Ulama

Kindly advise me.

My situation is as follows:

I’m a 19-year-old girl. I understand that 19 to some may look really small, but to a person like me, who has been looking forward to marriage for the past 2 years, it feels old.

The whole issue is, I understand that my parents feel they are doing what’s best for me, but they don’t realise that all their actions are making things difficult for me.

Two years back, a proposal was brought forth, but my father, without asking me, said no, because he felt I was immature. Anyways, there was some drama and I got a lot of scolding for wanting it, but the boy never did come to see me, and until today, I resent my father for this. It was my choice not his! There are times when I want to yell at him, but I keep it all in.

After that one, whenever people asked my mother about me, she would tell them that my father feels I’m still small. I might as well add that I had left school after Grade 6, and before I turned 17, I was already very well acquainted with household skills, alhamdulillah.

Now, this year, three good boys, who were the type of boys that I’d prefer and the kind of husband I want, were interested in coming to see me, but my parents said ‘no’, because of age difference (which wasn’t really much) and distance.

So now I feel like I’m a dog, held on a leash. My parents know I want to get married, but they say, “Oh make du‘aa you get married,” but they don’t actually look and try to find me a husband.

My parents keep saying that I don’t have to marry an ‘aalim, but they don’t understand that I WANT to marry an ‘aalim.

I feel pressurised into saying no, because I don’t want to go against my parents, but I fear that if this continues, I’ll remain unmarried.

After these, no more proposals have come and I’m losing hope. I am also upset with my parents. They keep bossing me. I really want to get married and I like to make istikhaarah before saying no, because I firmly believe that with istikhaarah, we won’t go wrong. I constantly find myself regretting whatever happened, and I know that if I had made istikhaarah, this would not be the case.

I’m also angry with my father. Is it not his duty to find me a spouse? Is it not my right to have a say in who I want to marry and live with for the rest of my life? I feel despondent and depressed and also angry at myself and my parents and my life in general. Everyone keeps asking when I’m getting married. I was never like this before.

I have other friends in similar situations. How should we react?

Answer:

Bismihi Ta‘ala

Wa ‘alaikumus salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

Respected Sister in Islam

1. It is part of human nature that one wishes to settle in life, be married and have a family etc. It is our fervent du‘aa that Allah Ta‘ala bless you with a compatible and suitable spouse very soon. Nevertheless, the aspect to bear in mind is that while it is a challenge to not yet have achieved this, one should always focus towards the millions of people, rather billions, who are in much greater challenges than you. This will insha-Allah enable one to be patient and the situation will not become overwhelming.

2. Totally ignore any negative comments, jokes and remarks and stop worrying about people’s perceptions in this regard. If somebody makes some comment, then merely laugh about it. This does not mean that you will not be irritated. However, do not express the irritation but rather force yourself to laugh about it. Insha-Allah, you will get affected much lesser by the comments etc. Tell yourself, “Why should I let these insensitive comments bother me? My Allah Ta’ala has blessed me with so much! Insha-Allah I will be patient and submit to Him.”

3. Every morning, before you think about the issue that you are still “single” and start on a “down” note, first think about the fact that alhamdulillah you are a mu-min, you are physically fine with all your limbs and faculties in order, you have a family around you, you have a roof over your head and in fact a comfortable place to live in. You have innumerable bounties and gifts of Allah Ta‘ala that you benefit from all the time, etc. etc. First make deep shukr for all this. Make shukr individually for as many aspects as you can by pondering over one thing at a time and saying ALHAMDULILLAH deeply each time. Then, if you wish, think about the issue of being single and make du‘aa to Allah Ta‘ala to bless you with a compatible, pious spouse.

4. Indeed, parents should try to find a suitable match for their children, especially when the children themselves are presenting their need to get married. The effort to find a suitable match should be given due importance. However, you should also keep in mind the fact that generally parents have much more insight into these matters and may possibly point to some seemingly insignificant matter for refusing the proposal, whereas the issue is actually something else. 

5. Adopt taqwa and make sabr while awaiting a suitable proposal. Nikaah is a major step in life. Hasty decisions are not suitable. Sometimes a suitable match is found relatively easily and in some cases it may take a while. One should be patient and continue making more aa’maal and du‘aa. Do not become demanding or express irritation or frustration. From time to time keep gently ‘nudging’ your parents and family to help in this regard. Insha-Allah, you will be blessed with someone suitable.

6. Daily recite “Yaa Jaami‘u Ya Lateefu” 111 times together with Durood Shareef 7 times before and after. Then make earnest du‘aa. Also daily make 2 rakaats nafl salaah with the niyyah of Salaatul Haajah and make du‘aa. If you can do this at the time of Tahajjud, it will be very much more effective.

May Allah Ta‘ala bless you and your friends with compatible spouses who will be a source of comfort and happiness in every respect, aameen.

Answered by:

Uswatul Muslimah Panel of ‘Ulama